From anonymous in salt lake county

Dear Utah,

I accidentally shared with my teenage daughter that I had decided to get divorced. Then, because I believed it wasn't fair for her to have to keep a secret like that, I told my husband before I had planned to. He threatened to attack me "if I backed him into a corner," and the verbal abuse escalated for a week until I asked him not to kill me while I was sleeping. After I heard myself say those words, I wasn't able to stay there anymore, and I stayed with a friend.

When I told him I wanted to get divorced (it has now been 20 years of marriage), I expected that we would spend some time dividing our things and working out a plan to separate. Instead, once I left, I never had normal access to the house again. I was able to take a few things from the entry, while he observed me, that he had collected from the house. Because of a domestic injunction, I was unable to remove items from the house without his permission. I had left with a carry-on suitcase and a laptop. Although he later gave me my clothes, most of the possessions I obtained or bought over more than 18 years are still at the house. He asked if he could get a dumpster so he could dispose of them, but he won’t give them to me. I stayed with various friends for three weeks until I found another place to live.

I didn’t have a job at the time, and he cut off access to accounts and credit cards. He canceled my card when I put down a deposit at my apartment and had the card reissued to the house. I didn’t get support payments until I got temporary orders in July (I left the first week of January). My support is currently 29% of my co-parent’s previous salary. He has not reimbursed medical and child expenses the court requires him to make. After the injunction was in place, he sold all the stock in an account worth $40,000.

I was affected by PTSD, and he was trying to find out where I was staying (Now I believe he was trying to serve divorce papers, but at the time I thought he might want to hurt me). I wasn’t able to eat or sleep normally for months. I didn’t start cooking normally for a year. I did some contract work, but I found it difficult to concentrate, and I was anxious and depressed. Almost two years later, I am still substantially affected by the trauma, and I am concerned about my ability to consistently work.

I began assembling a support team right away and was fortunate to find a good attorney and therapist. I feel like God helped me find supportive people. My social connections changed a lot. I didn’t receive the support I was expecting from acquaintances, church leaders, friends, or family. Another thing that surprised me was that I didn’t receive help when I called the domestic violence hotline, when I opened a DV case with a local organization, or when I contacted the victim advocate with the police station.

Thank goodness I had a friend who had helped other DV survivors in the past. She gave me a place to stay for a short time and told me things would work out. She has given consistent support for almost two years now, while my co-parent has dragged out our divorce. He filed on Feb. 2, 2023, and we are waiting to schedule a trial date after nearly two years.

Symptoms of complex PTSD have affected others’ perceptions of me, and that has made it difficult to get the help I need. Lawyers and therapists, who ought to be trauma-informed, have been manipulated and deceived by my abuser.

One of the hardest parts of my situation has been losing time with, and the affections of, my children. My co-parent influenced their perceptions of me and my relationships with them. My time with them was substantially limited for 7 months until we had temporary orders. The legal injunction prohibited me from explaining why I left (I couldn’t talk about his harmful behavior that was the main reason I left).

Until now, my co-parent has prevented the children from getting the therapy they need. Severe psychological damage has occurred, and our children will likely be affected to some degree throughout their lives. I feel hope when I hear others say children eventually figure things out, but the estrangement has been heartbreaking. I left during the middle of my daughter’s senior year, and we have very limited contact. Both my older two children cut off physical contact completely, and it was a big deal for me to receive a hug once from my oldest. My co-parent inappropriately discusses court matters with my teenage son and blames me for his financial and other problems.

An attorney and therapist told my son he didn’t have to come to my house, although my temporary orders say 50/50 parent time, and (after a year of regular 50/50 time) my son hasn’t come to my house for nearly 2 months. He refuses to speak to me, text, or interact in person.

I am concerned about my 10-year-old when she is at the other residence. While I was there, other family members were harsh and aggressive toward her. When she is away, my co-parent has severely limited her access to a phone or other ways to contact me. For most months until this month (about 22 months), she didn’t contact me a single time.

Although I didn't recognize it, my co-parent was abusive in every way, although he didn't physically injure me (I believe partly because he kicked me once, and I made it clear that I wouldn't stay if that happened).

People have ideas about DV survivors. I have learned a lot since I left about who we are.
I was a mediator, with significant education on family issues. Fortunately, I had been somewhat active professionally for some time, and I had the opportunity to do an online master’s MBA program since I left (I graduated a few weeks ago). I am still dealing with a lot of uncertainty about the future. I don’t know when our divorce will be final. My co-parent lost his job and took a part-time job, which could affect the child support and spousal support I receive.

He continues to be actively abusive in most of our interactions. I communicate with him mainly on a co-parent app, but being around him is so continuously stressful that it has affected my ability to get trauma support. It has been frustrating to see that my co-parent has benefitted from the house, our belongings, more parent time, relationships we previously shared, and financial resources I haven’t had access to.

I have benefitted a lot from support groups (in person, virtual, and online - specifically on Facebook). Reading books, like “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” and many about personality disorders has been helpful.

Some surprisingly helpful things for me have been essential oils, Footzone treatments, yoga (essentialemotions.com), detachment (Let it Go book), Loving What Is (book), Abraham Hicks content (Law of Attraction), connection with God and spiritual practice, and Taoist/Buddhist/Eastern philosophy.

I have been the recipient of a lot of kindness. I received food from friends, a food bank, and a church. Many acquaintances provided furniture and household items.

I am becoming more involved in the support side by helping other women in transition (as a mediator and through a nonprofit). I recently applied to social work masters programs, I am attending conflict resolution professional events, and continuing to read, research, and heal.

Thank you for providing an opportunity to share my story.